Beneath the shiny skyscraper that houses Big Inc., there’s a secret spot even cooler than BiG MiSTER’s penthouse office—the mystical “Sub-Swag” commissary. It’s where the hippest office drones (myself included) grab swag that makes everyone else look like basement-dwelling trolls.

Now, brace yourselves for this not-so-average corporate gift shop, fellow worker bees. We’re talking mind-blowing lava-lamp lanyards, uniforms so stylish even fashion designers would give us a slow clap, and mugs bigger than BiG MiSTER’s ego.

Speaking of the mugs, these things are colossal. I’m talking “hide your stapler inside” kind of big. They can hold enough coffee to power a small village. Need a caffeine boost? Just take a sip and feel the productivity surge through your veins. They hold enough java to fuel a marathon of caffeine-induced panic. Take a sip and watch as your jittery hands type at lightning speed. Plus, each mug comes with a map of Big Inc., because we all know finding the bathroom here is like a quest for the Holy Grail.

Now, let’s not forget the real showstoppers—the lanyards. They’re like raves for your neck, with lava-lamp lights that hypnotize anyone who dares to make eye contact. Prepare to dazzle your coworkers and distract them from the fact that you’re still on the same spreadsheet from yesterday. It’s our top-secret winning strategy.

So, if you’ve ever wondered why some Big Inc. employees swagger around like peacocks on payday, it’s because they’ve been to the Sub-Swag commissary. It’s our exclusive playground, where every item screams, “Look at me, I’m cooler than you are!” Embrace the swag, my fellow office underdogs, and remember: it’s not just about working for Big. It’s about living large, even if it’s only in the Sub-Swag zone.

So stop by the Sub-Swag today!

(South of Break room
Enter big red door
Climb to 33rd floor
Right at end of hall
Enter room 13
Turn left inside)